Funny Political Jokes About South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford

"At a press conference yesterday, in case you don't know, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted to having a mistress from Argentina. That's right. Yeah, then there was an awkward moment as he waited for someone to give him a high five." --Conan O'Brien

"Governor Sanford may have broken the law, that's the latest. Yeah, they say he may have broken the law because he left the country without transferring power to his lieutenant governor. Yeah, he didn't transfer power. Yeah, apparently Sanford violated South Carolina's sacred bros before hoes law." --Conan O'Brien

"A British furniture company was caught trying to slip advertisements into Twitter by linking them to the Iranian election crisis. Isn't that the lowest? Yeah, probably the most shameless had to be, 'Tired of all the unrest? Try our Serta Perfect Sleeper.'" --Conan O'Brien

"There's another new development in the Mark Sanford story. His wife, Jenny, kicked him out of their home when she heard about the affair. In response, Hillary Clinton said, 'Wait. You can do that? No one told me that.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"The governor of South Carolina, yesterday, his name is Mark Sanford, he had been missing for four days. He admitted he was visiting his mistress in Argentina, which I think is outrageous. How dare this man, a married man, in this economy, outsource to a foreign country when there are plenty of slutty women living right here in the United States. Am I right, fellow Americans?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"People are calling him a hypocrite, because he's another family values politician having an affair, but I don't see it in political terms. I'm just embarrassed for my gender. Ladies, if you want to know what it's like being a guy, think about the fact that there's a man, the governor of a good-sized state, who asked himself, 'Hmm, can I sneak off to Argentina for a week with my lover without anybody finding out?' And somehow came up with the answer 'yes.' I hope that gives you a sense of what we're up against." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman Late Night Funny Political Jokes

"GM is phasing out Pontiac. You know what that means? Another $20 million bonus for the head of GM" --David Letterman

"We're getting close to President Obama's first 100 days in office, and he has had to deal with a lot of trouble, including a global financial crisis, pirates, and swine flu. Plus, Obama's got a live-in mother-in-law. I'm telling you, this guy cannot catch a break." --David Letterman

"Yes, Obama is marking 100 days as the leader of the free world. Meanwhile, John McCain was putting his Glenn Miller records in storage today." --David Letterman

"I think this is a first for President Obama. This weekend he played golf. President Obama apparently, and at one point, and this happens, you know, you play golf, he got stuck really deep in a sand trap. Same thing happened to George Bush, and it's called Iraq." --David Letterman

"Now, here's the difference between President Obama and our previous Democratic president, President Clinton. President Obama enjoyed playing a round of golf. President Clinton just enjoyed playing around." --David Letterman

"I was surprised. Obama is a pretty good golfer. And he missed a couple of putts, or he would have broken 90. Could have broken 90. Missed a couple of putts. Speaking of a couple of putz, anybody hear anything of Bush and Cheney?" --David Letterman

Funny Late Night Political Jokes

Funny Political Jokes From Jay Leno

"Whew! Last night, I had that great new drink, the Navy Seal. Three shots -- boom -- and you're done." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all 'untrained teenagers with heavy weapons,' or as we call them in this country, rap stars." --Jay Leno

"As you know by now, Captain Phillips was rescued when Navy Seals shot and killed three of the pirates, although, according to Phil Spector's attorney, the pirates shot themselves in the head." --Jay Leno

"There was some nice news this week. The Obamas got a new dog. It's a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Now, don't confuse that with what Dick Cheney had. That was a waterboarding dog. That was totally different." --Jay Leno

"You know, Portuguese water dogs are very intelligent animals. In fact, some White House Cabinet officials have already taught it how to get out of paying taxes." --Jay Leno

"And today, President Obama gave a speech on the economy, saying there would be more pain now, but hope later, to which pro basketball's Los Angeles Clippers said, 'Hey, that's our slogan.'" --Jay Leno

"Scientists from the University of Padova, in Italy, announced this week that baby chicks have the ability to do basic arithmetic and can add basic numbers together. You know, it's bad enough our public school kids can't compete with kids in China and Japan. Now we're losing to poultry in Italy? This is bad. We need to get better schools." --Jay Leno


Funny Political Jokes From David Letterman

"I'm glad you folks are here. We had a tough crowd last night. In fact, right in the middle of the show, I had to be rescued by Navy Seals." --David Letterman

"How about those Navy Seals, though? They rescued Captain Stubing, Gopher, Doc and guest star Charo." --David Letterman

"And now, there is serious trouble there off the coast of Somalia. Other pirates have vowed to avenge the death of their colleagues. Colleagues? What is this, a rotary club? What is this, a faculty meeting?" --David Letterman

"Anybody been to the New York Auto Show this week? I'll tell you, I'm worried about the American automobile industry. Are you a little worried about the auto industry? Even the cars, the American cars, when you see them at the automobile show there on the turntable, they are only getting eight miles to the gallon." --David Letterman

"How about that Obama dog? They got a new dog. Yeah, a little Portuguese water dog. And the dog, as you would expect, is not house broken yet. In fact, earlier today, he left a bigger mess in the Oval Office than Bush did." --David Letterman

"A new dog in the White House. I believe there hasn't been a dog in the White House since that pack of semi-domesticated wolves that Cheney kept in his dungeon." --David Letterman



Funny Political Jokes From Jimmy Fallon

"I saw this today. President Obama gave a major speech on the economy and, once again, he promised Americans change, specifically pennies, nickels, dimes, and stuff like that." --Jimmy Fallon

"General Motors is recalling 1.5 million vehicles, because they say the engines could catch on fire. Well, luckily, no one bought any of them." --Jimmy Fallon

"A new report shows that a bag of heroin can be cheaper than a six-pack of beer. That's really good news and bad news for Amy Winehouse." --Jimmy Fallon


Funny Political Jokes From Jimmy Kimmel
"This pirates stuff is unbelievable, but the Obama administration is getting high marks for the way they handled the rescue situation this weekend, or the military did. But with all the problems we have right now, who would have guessed that on top of everything else our new president would have to deal with pirates? What's next? A dragon? Ghosts?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Scott MacIntyre, a blind contestant, was recently voted off 'American Idol.' But he still has an inspirational story. He showed that in this country, even someone who can't see can grow up to finish eighth on 'American Idol,' and who knows, may even become governor of New York if the previous governor gets caught with a hooker." --Jimmy Kimmel

Funny Late Night Political Jokes

"As you may have heard, the state of California is broke. So you're looking at massive state layoffs now because the legislature hasn't been able to come up with a budget. The state is $42 billion in the hole. You know, I'm no financial expert, but if you have no money and no prospects of making money and you owe $42 billion, you're way beyond putting yourself on a budget, O.K.? I think you're looking at faking your own death at this point." --Jay Leno

"Critics say the problem is people don't understand what is in the budget. Well, of course, we don't understand. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is explaining this to us. 'Yeah, da budget is here with da money. You see, with da hydrogen and da green people, sometime you take it from here, and you put here, with da solar power!'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, the market went up three points today, so the stimulus package is working. Yeah! It's a miracle!" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colorado. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high." --Jay Leno

"President Obama, today, outlined his plan to deal with the mortgage mess and the housing crisis. The good news -- he thinks he's found a solution. The bad news -- it involves arson." --Jay Leno

"And the idea of nationalizing banks is becoming more popular with some lawmakers and economists. They say they're leaning towards the Swedish model for banks. You know, I've got a better idea. How about opening banks with all Swedish models." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's the latest on the bailout. Democrats may have to bail Senator Roland Burris out of jail." --Jay Leno

"More bad news for Senator Burris. Now, the Chicago Sun-Times is calling for his resignation. Remember, he was appointed by Governor Blagojevich. Now he could be in trouble for perjury and for giving conflicting statements in his testimony about campaign contributions. See, that's the trouble with politicians. They think the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth are three different things." --Jay Leno

"The New York Times is reporting that, in his last days in office, Vice President Dick Cheney repeatedly went to President Bush to try to get him to pardon Scooter Libby, and he was furious that Bush wouldn't do it. They say Cheney is now bitter. Yeah, as opposed to the happy go lucky zippity-do-da Cheney." --Jay Leno

"In a new ranking of U.S. presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. And here's the bad part -- the margin of error was five." --Jay Leno

"In an interview with Fox News, Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter, 18-year-old Bristol Palin -- remember Bristol Palin, who had the baby? Well, she talked in the interview. She said, 'A year ago, I never would have thought I would become a mom or that my mom was going to be chosen to be a vice presidential candidate.' Oddly enough, both things happened because some guy failed to take the proper precautions." --Jay Leno

"And Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Asia. She is in Japan, or as Bill was heard telling a woman in a bar last night, 'We're separated.'" --Jay Leno

"America's auto makers have asked the government -- remember when America's auto makers flew into Washington in their private jets and said, 'We're busted. We'd like several hundred billion dollars.' Well, they're coming back again. They're asking for $22 billion in additional taxpayer money. I mean, these guys are like the world's most expensive brother-in-law, you know?" --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is on her first world trip around the world as secretary of state. She's on tour in Asia. Hillary's in Asia. Bill's in heaven." --David Letterman

"Right now, Hillary is visiting China. She's trying to stop the proliferation of doorknob menus." --David Letterman

"President Obama was in Arizona today, talking about his plan to help ease the home mortgage crisis. It seemed like a strange place to announce his plan, since most of the homes in Arizona are owned by John McCain." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama has now addressed two of the three major issues that he said would have to be addressed in order to avert a financial disaster. The first was getting the stimulus package passed. The second was addressing the housing crisis and the third is to get all of us to eat our pets. And I've got a cage full of hamsters that are starting to look absolutely delicious." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of individual states are having budget problems right now. California in particular is a mess. Governor Schwarzenegger can't get fellow Republicans to vote for his compromise plan because it includes a big tax increase. And he's already done everything he can possibly do to convince them. He told them he'll 'be back,' he said, 'Hasta la vista, baby.' He even threatened to terminate them, several times, to no avail." --Jimmy Kimmel

"As part of a plan to close his state's budget deficit, New York Governor David Paterson is proposing a tax on Internet pornography. You see, this is why we can't have blind governors. I mean, no offense, but of course he's going to tax pornography. If he can't enjoy it, nobody can. What's next, a tax on rainbows?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Good news and bad news for Sarah Palin. The bad news is that the IRS says she owes thousands of dollars in back taxes. The good news is that she now qualifies to be in Obama’s Cabinet." --Craig Ferguson

Late Night Political Jokes-A Political Roast

Late Night Political Jokes From 1/17/09

"Did you all see President Bush's farewell address last night? President Bush said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right." --Jay Leno

"In fact, last night, President Bush's speech forced the preemption of the NBC comedy series 'Kath and Kim.'" Presidential historians are calling this Bush's finest achievement ever, actually." --Jay Leno

"And, of course, of course, now the real pressure is on. President Bush only has three days left to respond to Hurricane Katrina." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush said he's gonna live in Dallas when he leaves the White House. And, of course, the community in Dallas is welcoming him. You know, as a president who had a disappointing and horrible year, he'll be named an honorary member of the Dallas Cowboys. So, that's good news." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors." --Jay Leno

"Listen to what Barack Obama did today. He worked on the stimulus plan, had a classified intelligence briefing and met with Congressional leaders. Meanwhile, John McCain backed over his mailbox." --David Letterman

"And the other thing is, Barack Obama is still trying to get a dog for the kids. You know about that? He promised the little girls they'd get a dog when they moved into the White House. And he's looking for a dog that's loyal, friendly, and also one that can fetch cigarettes." --David Letterman

"And they're talking about a dog called a labradoodle. That's not a dog. That's George W. Bush playing Scrabble. Come on!" --David Letterman

"By the way, finally some financial good news, good news. The federal deficit will ease up now, because Dick Cheney has to pay for his own health care." --David Letterman

"Big interview with Dick Cheney over the weekend. Dick Cheney said that he's ... actually lovable. Dick Cheney. Actually loveable. I'm thinking about this. It really does melt your heart when he flashes that winning sneer." --David Letterman

"President Bush last night made his farewell address to the nation. For 15 minutes, America turned its gaze from the guy who landed the plane in the river to the guy who landed the country in the ditch." --Jimmy Kimmel

"White House decorators are busy right now peeling the glow in the dark stars off the ceiling in the presidential bedroom." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We're four days away from Barack Obama's inauguration as the 44th president of the United States, and five days away from the biggest hangover of Oprah's life." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Security is going to be very tight in Washington, DC. They have 20,000 men deployed for this thing. 10,000 to ensure that Obama is safe, and 10,000 to make sure Bush leaves. And with so many of our nation's police on the scene in Washington, it might be a good time to commit a crime in your neck of the woods, you know what I'm saying? Or maybe not." --Jimmy Kimmel
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Late Night Political Jokes| A Political Roast By Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama's inauguration is just a week away. They just announced this. Three days before his inauguration, Barack Obama is going to retrace Abraham Lincoln's route by taking an Amtrak train from Philadelphia to Washington, DC. Isn't that cool? Yeah, Obama is making the trip three days early, because it's Amtrak and even he only has so much hope." --Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service is saying that it's not necessary for Barack Obama to have a BlackBerry. They want to take it away from him, because they say President Clinton only sent two emails during his entire presidency. Yeah, apparently both of Clinton's emails had the subject line, 'Yes, I would like to hear more about natural male enhancement.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Toyota's developing a miniature, environmentally-friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Yeah. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood." --Conan O'Brien

"A senator from Ohio is retiring, and there is a rumor that Dennis Kucinich may run for the Senate to replace him. Yeah. If so, Kucinich would be the first guy in history to run for a Senate booster seat." --Conan O'Brien
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Funny Political Jokes Late Night Political Roast| Letterman

"Couple of days ago in New Jersey, there were UFO sightings. Believe me, it's not an invasion. The aliens are actually here because they want some of that Federal bailout money." --David Letterman

"Do you have your tickets for the inauguration down in Washington? I sent in early. I sent the money in. I got my tickets back, lousy seats. You know where they put me? I'm right between Govs. Spitzer and Blagojevich." --David Letterman

"You know for each inauguration, the President adds his own little touches, his own signature note to the proceedings. For example, maybe you don't remember this but for the first Clinton inauguration, ladies drank free." --David Letterman

"Vice President-elect Joe Biden is already getting acquainted with his new responsibility as Vice President. And he's starting every afternoon at 3:00. He picks up Sasha and Malia from school." --David Letterman

"It looks like Barack Obama wants the surgeon general to be Sanjay Gupta, the TV doctor. Are you familiar with Sanjay? I went to see him a couple of years ago because I had an inflamed gupta." --David Letterman

"But Sanjay Gupta says if he becomes the surgeon general the first thing he wants to do is warn people about one thing — the Regis Philbin show in high def. He said it could cause nausea and headaches." --David Letterman

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Political Roast:Late Night Political Jokes-David Letterman

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, today is an historic day down in Washington because five living presidents had lunch together. George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama all at the White House, all having lunch. What a day. And while this was going on, John McCain was at Applebee's blowing on his soup." --David Letterman

"I understand the lunch went well. Only three shoes thrown." --David Letterman

"George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the waitress." --David Letterman

"Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it? " --David Letterman

"But surgeon general, that's a tough position, and it was hard for Obama to make the choice. It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil and a guy on 'Scrubs.'" --David Letterman

"The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight recruits. So now when a soldier is AWOL, it means he's at Wendy's ordering lunch." --David Letterman

"You know that you're an overweight recruit in the Army when you see a Domino's guy crawl into your foxhole." --David Letterman

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Late Night Political Jokes: A Political Roast--week of 12/23/08

"Barack Obama is on vacation in Hawaii right now. And today many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you're thinking of things to be thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office." --Conan O'Brien

"What a rough crowd last night. Rough, they were surly. They were quiet. I'm telling you. It was quiet in here. It was like a Lehman Brothers Christmas party.
The suburbs are cold also. Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed. It's that cold." --David Letterman

"Insider tip. How many folks still have cars? Anybody here still have a car? You know, you can turn them in, take them in to Washington and they'll give you your money back. And Ford Motors, by God, Ford Motors is working on a brand new car called the Fusion. It's a hybrid and runs on a combination of gas and bailout money."

"One percent of Americans participating in this poll believe believe Dick Cheney is the best Vice President ever. Everybody else in the poll believes that that one percent should be wearing funny hats." --David Letterman


"The shoe-tossing guy in Iraq, you know, he wrote a letter to President Bush and he apologized. He said, 'Dear president Bush, I'm sorry I threw a shoe at you.' And I was thinking, wait a minute. When is President Bush going to apologize for invading Iraq?" --David Letterman

"It is freezing everywhere. It was so cold in Washington, even Bill and Hillary were snuggling." --Jay Leno

"It was so cold in Alaska, somebody is putting chapstick on a pig." --Jay Leno

"President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week. To which President Bush said, 'You know, I prefer spending my Christmases right here in the United States.'" --Jay Leno

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said in an interview on '60 Minutes' on Sunday that, if the Constitution allowed it, he would like to run for president. Yeah. Yeah. There's a switch, a Republican being stopped by the Constitution, when does that ever happen?" --Jay Leno

"The largest donor at the Clinton library turns out to be Saudi Arabia. Yeah. Well, some critics argue that such close financial ties to the Mideast could be a conflict of interest. However, Hillary Clinton says she will not advocate Arab policies. Except, you know, the practice of stoning adulterers." --Jay Leno

"NBC is showing, once again, the classic movie 'It's a Wonderful Life.' See, it is so different today. See, when they made that movie, back then, the government actually asked banks to account for what money was missing." --Jay Leno


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Political Roast: Late Night Political Jokes

"You folks around the country probably know this, but here in New York City it's freezing cold. It's so cold today that that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in hell." --David Letterman

"It's so cold today President Bush was ducking ski boots." --David Letterman

"Today is the second day of Hanukkah. John McCain made an appearance with Joe the Rabbi." --David Letterman

"In a recent interview, President Bush says that he's already begun thinking about his farewell speech. Yeah, which means he's only two years behind most Americans." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the Wall Street Journal, this is interesting, many of the people Barack Obama has appointed to his cabinet are excellent basketball players. Except for Hillary Clinton, who prefers lacrosse or field hockey." --Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, Barack Obama says he plans on having a lot of jazz and classical music at the White House. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'I'd better go break the bad news to the Wiggles.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Bernie Madoff has been charged with swindling people out of $50 billion. I don't want to say he's unpopular, but today as he was walking in New York, he passed a manger scene and Joseph threw a sandal at him." --Jay Leno

"Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich says he will not fill Barack Obama's seat any time soon. He says he's going to wait until next summer when prices improve." --Jay Leno

Political Roast:Late Night Political Jokes Conan O'Brien

"This week President Bush hosted the annual White House Hanukkah party. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when Bush made a wish and blew out all eight candles." --Conan O'Brien

Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it's President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it's Ed Begley Jr." --Conan O'Brien

"Gay leaders are furious at Barack Obama because he picked an anti-gay minister to deliver a prayer during the inauguration ceremony. Yeah. Gay leaders are also furious at Obama because the tie he's planning to wear is all wrong." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is hosting a lunch next month with President-elect Obama and all the former presidents. Isn't that cool? Yeah. Bush said, 'I invited all 43 guys, but only four responded.' He doesn't know what happened." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new survey that just came out, the most admired profession is doctor. Doctor is the most admired profession. Yeah. The least admired profession? Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich's barber." --Conan O'Brien

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Political Roast-Late Night Political Jokes 12/15/08

"Right now, they're trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he's a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it's the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn't even do a background check on him." --David Letterman

"Well, folks, looks like we finally found something President Bush is good at. Dodgeball!" --Jay Leno

"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him]. You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he's never done before. Lean to the left. He's never done that." --Jay Leno

"You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he's got good reflexes. Even Bill Clinton was impressed. You know, Clinton's an expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything." --Jay Leno

"You've got to give Bush credit. I mean, the guy moved pretty quickly. ... Too bad he didn't react that way with bin Laden or Katrina, bin Laden or the mortgage crisis, bin Laden or Afghanistan, bin Laden or the Lehman Brothers." --David Letterman

I don't think Bush really has dodged anything like that, well, since the Vietnam War." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, at a press conference in Baghdad, an angry Iraqi threw his shoes at President Bush's head. Yeah, when he saw the shoes, President Bush said, 'See, I knew you guys had weapons of mass destruction." --Conan O'Brien



"Now, here's my question, and no offense here, but where was the Secret Service? I mean, shouldn't they at least have jumped in front of the second shoe? I mean, you know what I'm saying? Come on. Seriously. Aren't these guys supposed to take a bullet for the president?" --Jay Leno

"See, that's when Bush realized he was on his way out, when the Secret Service are going, 'Yeah, we're guarding the new guy now.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, here's my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, 'Let me clarify what happened here.' He said, 'In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult.' Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment." --Jay Leno

"Well, the interesting thing was the journalist who threw the shoe was immediately arrested, and then offered his own show on MSNBC." --Jay Leno

"Well, the Bush administration said they are ready to step in now and help the auto industry. And believe you me, whenever the Bush administration gets involved in something, it is solved immediately. So, I think we'll be fine on that front." --Jay Leno

"Well, the latest talk is that Caroline Kennedy wants to be appointed to Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. She wants Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. In fact, today, Caroline Kennedy got a call from Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich saying, 'How much you willing to pay for it?'" --Jay Leno

"In an unprecedented move, the Illinois Attorney General has asked the High Court to strip Governor Bla-son-of-a-bitch -- is that his name? I can never get it right -- of his powers and declare him unfit. See, that would never happen here in California. See, they would declare our governor too fit." --Jay Leno

"And at a press conference this week, Jesse Jackson Jr., who is Candidate Number 5 for the Senate seat, strongly denied that he did anything wrong or improper. But now people are saying his brother might be involved. They say Jesse Jackson Jr. could be punished politically for what his brother did, to which Jeb Bush said, 'Tell me about it!'" --Jay Leno

"And speaking on ABC's Sunday morning show, 'This Week,' John McCain said that Sarah Palin could not necessarily count on his support if she runs for president in 2012. McCain said 'we have some other great, young governors out there.' Yeah, too bad he didn't pick one of them to run with." --Jay Leno

"Now here's something that gives you a pause for thought. Over the weekend, a church that Sarah Palin attended was burned. Somebody set fire to the church. Very serious, disturbing. As a matter of fact, they are looking for a guy. And they think it's Joe the Arsonist. That's who they are looking for." --David Letterman

"Bush is in Baghdad, he's having a press conference, and a guy, a reporter from Iraq jumps up and starts heaving shoes at the guy. And in Iraqi, or Arabic, he starts screaming, 'Here's your farewell kiss, you dog!' That's what the guy says. I mean, it was the same goodbye I got from NBC." --David Letterman

"The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he'll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that former President Clinton may have to testify at Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearing. That's right. Clinton says, 'This time, when I say 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman,' it'll be true." --Conan O'Brien

"You know who it is a great day for? Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who still has his job. He didn't resign. Everyone thought he would. Looks like his plan is to keep hanging on, even though the game is over. Political experts call this strategy 'the Hillary Clinton.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Of course, the big story over the weekend is that President Bush had that press conference in Iraq, which turned into 'Shoe-pocalypse Now.'" --Craig Ferguson

"When a journalist throws his shoes at the President, if you're a late night talk show host, you go, 'Aaahhh!' Good times. It's like when Cheney shot his lawyer. You go: 'Aaaahhhh! Well, that's tonight's show taken care of.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Bush was amazing. You see how quickly Bush got out of the way? Bush has been accused of dodging issues in the past, but who knew he could actually dodge shoes?" --Craig Ferguson

"Bush is 62 years old, but he still has the reflexes of a cat. Mind you, I think his head has been on a swivel ever since Cheney shot his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson

"You know, the shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. 'Free shoes? You betcha!'" --Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, the conspiracy theories have begun. Oliver Stone is already making a movie about the shoe-throwing incident. He thinks there was a second shoe-thrower, because that journalist threw two shoes in four seconds. That's impossible." --Craig Ferguson

"The irony of all of this is of course that this shoe-throwing incident is as close as we'll ever get to finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." --Craig Ferguson

"The shoe-throwing journalist has got his supporters because today in Iraq, thousands of people took to the streets. They were all chanting in unison all day long. And do you know what they were chanting? Now I'm not making this up. They were chanting, 'Bush, Bush listen well, two shoes on your head!' Well, I think the President must be devastated by that. If John Kerry had used that chant four years ago, he would have won!" --Craig Ferguson

"What kind of chant is that? If there's an Iraqi Doctor Seuss, he must be terrible. 'One fish, two fish, seven dogs run on a lawn.'" --Craig Ferguson

"The bright side to all of this is the Iraqi economy must be going well if a guy can afford to throw a perfectly good pair of shoes. Journalists over here can't even afford a pair of flip-flops." --Craig Ferguson

"The shoe-throwing journalist is in jail. He didn't think this through, though. I mean, if you're a journalist and you're unhappy with a politician, why don't you just write something down? You're a journalist! You can even get it printed in a newspaper! Doesn't he know that the pen is mightier than the shoe?" --Craig Ferguson


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Funny Comedians----Pics For Myspace----Stupid News

Political Roast-Late Night Political Jokes-12/13/08

"Five years ago tomorrow, I believe, you know what it was? We have an anniversary. They captured Saddam Hussein. Captured Saddam Hussein. Yeah. You know who gets a really big kick out of that? ... Bin Laden. He just thinks that's the funniest thing" --David Letterman

"President Bush's term is winding down, and all these articles are coming out, very strange articles about him. According to an article that just came out in a fitness magazine ... the president often rides a stationary bike on-board Air Force One. That's true. Advisors say he pedals really hard because he thinks he's powering the plane." --Conan O'Brien

"The Blagojevich scandal continues. Earlier this week, of course, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was accused of auctioning off a Senate seat to the highest bidder. Now his approval rating is at 8%. Yeah, when he heard this, Blagojevich said, 'Eight? Do I hear a nine? 10?" --Conan O'Brien

"When Vice President-elect Biden takes office next month, he's going to have a new family member on hand: a German Shepherd puppy. Biden has had three German Shepherds in the past, and he likes them because they're smart and they're quick learners. Which will come in handy, because as you know, the vice president's dog is always standing by in case President Obama's dog becomes incapacitated." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And this particular dog, he's only a month old. Already, Biden taught him a trick. He already learned how to put his foot in his mouth. Isn't that cute?" --Jimmy Kimmel


"And not only will the new puppy serve as a pet, until he gets big enough to be home alone, he will also serve as the vice president's toupee [on screen: a photo of Biden with the puppy sitting on his head]." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Obama girls are getting a puppy, Biden is getting a German Shepherd puppy, and Hillary Clinton will do all the spaying and neutering." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested Tuesday for trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat. When agents arrived at his house, Blagojevich asked for five minutes to pack up his things, and eight hours to brush his hair." --Amy Poehler

"Prosecutors said Tuesday there is no evidence that Barack Obama was involved in the Blagojevich scandal. Or, as Fox News reported it, 'Is Barack Obama involved in the Blagojevich scandal?'" --Amy Poehler

"Barack Obama this week named Nobel Prize-winning physicist Steve Chu as his energy secretary, unless he was just sneezing." --Amy Poehler

Political Roast Late Night Political Jokes by Jay Leno

How many people in our studio audience got your seats tonight because you paid off Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich?" --Jay Leno

"Illinois Governor Rod Bla-son-of-a-bitch, is that how you say his name? Is it Bla-son-of-a-bitch? I think I'm saying that right. He was arrested for conspiring to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. ... Let me tell you something. You know, you don't buy a Senate seat in this country. You take up donations. You go out. You lie to the American people. You make promises you are never going to keep. That's how you get to be a United States Senator." --Jay Leno

"And I love this story. Congress wants to appoint a government car czar to oversee the auto companies. Today, President Bush said, 'Car czar? Isn't he the president of Afghanistan?'" --Jay Leno


"Anyway, Congress wants to appoint someone to oversee the auto industry because they lack confidence that the car companies can solve the problem themselves. You know, the same way the Senate Budget Committee kept us within a budget, remember? And the way the banking committee kept the banks from failing. And the way the Senate Energy Committee made us energy independent. We need these kinds of oversights." --Jay Leno

"Don't you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to run their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion dollars in debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama said that he will not smoke cigarettes while he's in the Oval Office. He's kind of a closet smoker. So, he said he wouldn't smoke. And President Bush actually defended him today. President Bush said he smokes a cigar on rare occasions. He says it helps him think. Apparently it's a very rare occasion." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush talked about his religious believes on ABC's 'Nightline' the other night. When the host asked Bush if he was a literalist when it came to the bible, Bush said, no, no, he's actually a Methodist." --Jay Leno

"And today, in Hollywood, some same-sex marriage supporters urged people to call in gay and not go to work to show how much our country relies on the gay and lesbian people in the workforce. Interesting idea, but it kind of backfired here in Hollywood. When they called in, there was nobody there to answer the phone." --Jay Leno

"So, how does that work? When you call in gay to take the day off, do you have to prove it? Do you have to have a note from another gay guy? Does the note have to be signed and notarized by another gay person to make sure?" --Jay Leno

"But today, Senator Larry Craig called in not gay. Actually, he tapped the message in code with his foot." --Jay Leno

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Stupid News

Political Roast Late Night Political Jokes by Jay Leno

How many people in our studio audience got your seats tonight because you paid off Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich?" --Jay Leno



"Illinois Governor Rod Bla-son-of-a-bitch, is that how you say his name? Is it Bla-son-of-a-bitch? I think I'm saying that right. He was arrested for conspiring to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. ... Let me tell you something. You know, you don't buy a Senate seat in this country. You take up donations. You go out. You lie to the American people. You make promises you are never going to keep. That's how you get to be a United States Senator." --Jay Leno



"And I love this story. Congress wants to appoint a government car czar to oversee the auto companies. Today, President Bush said, 'Car czar? Isn't he the president of Afghanistan?'" --Jay Leno



"Anyway, Congress wants to appoint someone to oversee the auto industry because they lack confidence that the car companies can solve the problem themselves. You know, the same way the Senate Budget Committee kept us within a budget, remember? And the way the banking committee kept the banks from failing. And the way the Senate Energy Committee made us energy independent. We need these kinds of oversights." --Jay Leno



"Don't you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to run their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion dollars in debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt." --Jay Leno



"Barack Obama said that he will not smoke cigarettes while he's in the Oval Office. He's kind of a closet smoker. So, he said he wouldn't smoke. And President Bush actually defended him today. President Bush said he smokes a cigar on rare occasions. He says it helps him think. Apparently it's a very rare occasion." --Jay Leno



"And President Bush talked about his religious believes on ABC's 'Nightline' the other night. When the host asked Bush if he was a literalist when it came to the bible, Bush said, no, no, he's actually a Methodist." --Jay Leno



"And today, in Hollywood, some same-sex marriage supporters urged people to call in gay and not go to work to show how much our country relies on the gay and lesbian people in the workforce. Interesting idea, but it kind of backfired here in Hollywood. When they called in, there was nobody there to answer the phone." --Jay Leno



"So, how does that work? When you call in gay to take the day off, do you have to prove it? Do you have to have a note from another gay guy? Does the note have to be signed and notarized by another gay person to make sure?" --Jay Leno



"But today, Senator Larry Craig called in not gay. Actually, he tapped the message in code with his foot." --Jay Leno

Political Roast-Late Night Political Jokes From Jimmy Kimmel

"Joe the plumber is back in the news today. Joe the plumber, even though he spent several weeks on a bus campaigning with John McCain, he told Glenn Beck last night that he felt 'dirty' after discussing the issues with him. I don't know how to tell you this, Joe, but of course you felt dirty. You work in other people's toilets." --Jimmy Kimmel

"He said some of the stuff coming out of McCain's mouth was so appalling he almost got off the bus, and the only reason he didn't is because he knew if he walked off the bus, he would be forced to return to his normal life as a simple, tax-evading fame whore." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But Joe actually did have praise for McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin. He called her the real deal. That's great, I'm glad they got along. And they're perfect for each other, in a way. In fact, they're actually starring in a new movie together. I don't know if you've heard, it's called 'Dumb and Plumber.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

Political Roast-Political Jokes-Conan O'Brien

"Rod Blagojevich was arrested for trying to sell a seat in the Senate to the highest bidder. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. And folks, if convicted, he could wind up in prison, where his seat will be sold to the highest bidder." --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama, today, called for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to resign. Blagojevich said, 'I'll do that if the price is right.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Governor Blagojevich. Today -- coincidence -- today is his birthday. So for the second day in a row, Federal agents jumped out and yelled, 'Surprise!'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week, the White House sent out a memo listing President Bush's successes and accomplishments. Actually, it's not so much a memo as it is a Post-it note." --Conan O'Brien

"A plan to bail out the Big Three automakers stalled in Congress today. Yeah. As a result, Congress plans to buy a better-built Japanese bailout plan." --Conan O'Brien

Political Roast-Political Jokes-Jon Stewart,Craig Ferguson,Stephen Colbert

"Big news from Washington today. Even though it may make some people uncomfortable, President-elect Obama says he'll use his full name, Barack Hussein Obama, when he's sworn in next month. To show support, Joe Biden is also using his full name, Joseph Adolph Fidel Puppykiller Biden." --Craig Ferguson

"It is not all bad news for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, because today is his birthday. If you want to get Blagojevich a present, you can't go wrong with a good lawyer." --Craig Ferguson

"So what did this cat Blagojevich do, other than his childhood work as the model for Bob's Big Boy? [on screen: photo of Bob's Big Boy]. [on screen: a montage of news reports outlining Blagojevich's crimes]. Actually, let me just make this simpler. What isn't he being charged with? [on screen: a quote from the movie 'Fletch Lives,' in which a character saying 'Molesting a dead horse']. I assume that's hyperbole. Currently, he hasn't done anything that rises to the same level of evil as necrophilic beastiality [on screen: reports that Blagojevich withheld funds for a children's hospital because he didn't get the $50,000 in campaign donations he wanted from the director]. You're better off f***ing a dead horse. Blagojevich was shaking down a children's hospital. No doubt under the auspices of his charitable foundation, 'Take-a-Wish.' They kill sick children's dreams." --Jon Stewart

"Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzpatrick summed up the obvious [on screen: Fitzpatrick saying, 'There's politics and there's crime, and sometimes, I think when people get in trouble, they try and blur those lines']. Yes, you can get in trouble if you blur the line between politics and crime. Although, I can safely say you can get in trouble for blurring the line between anything and crime" --Jon Stewart

"Now, perhaps the toughest thing for Governor Blagojevich is that today, December 10, is his birthday. ... First, indicted Senator Ted Stevens loses the Alaska election recount on his birthday. And now this. In fact, Hallmark has come up with a new category of cards birthdays/federal indictments. I've got one right here. 'Hey, you're not over the hill, you're in federal custody!' Big sellers." --Stephen Colbert

Political Roast-Late Night Political Jokes

"It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him for president. You've got Joe Biden, he got vice president. Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, he ran against him, he got commerce secretary. And today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year's White House Christmas party." --Jay Leno

"And, according to the New York Times, former president Bill Clinton says he is open to the possibility of a role in the Barack Obama administration. Well, actually, what he said was, he was looking for a desk job. I don't know what that means." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama announced Wednesday that New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is his choice for secretary of commerce, which should be an easy job, now that there isn't any." --Seth Meyers

"The head of Regal Entertainment says as the recession gets worse, more people are coming to the movies. Because nothing helps you forget your troubles like a $5 Sprite" --Seth Meyers


"The runoff in the Georgia Senate race was won this week by Saxby Chambliss, who is the incumbent Republican senator and not, as I believed, an obscure font." --Amy Poehler

"Some bad economic news today. They estimate more than a half a million Americans lost their jobs last month. Unemployment is now at 6.7 percent, that is the highest since 1993. In layman's terms, that means almost one in ten Americans know what it's like to be K-Fed." --Jimmy Kimmel

Late Night Jay Leno-Political Jokes-Dec. 6, 2008

Now Jay Leno knows how to roast! A Political Roast

"What a difference a couple of weeks makes. Remember last month, the three auto company heads flew to Washington in private jets looking for their bailout? Remember they own the private jets? Well, this time, the three CEOs drove in their own hybrid cars; 520 miles they drove in their own hybrid cars. See, you know what I think the government should have done here? Make it like 'The Amazing Race,' you see? You drop these guys off, no money, no transportation, give them some tools, they have to build a car. First one to Washington, they get the bailout." --Jay Leno

"In fact, do you know what the highest-paying line of work is in America right now? Jury duty." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see that picture on the front page of USA Today yesterday of Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands with Barack Obama? Didn't it look like one of those ads for one of those bad buddy action movies from the '80s, you know? [as Schwarzenegger] He's a strongman from Austria. He's an African-American from Chicago. They fight crime; they're ebony and ivory." --Jay Leno



"President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million. See, this is where President Bush has outsmarted everybody. People underestimate this guy. Five months ago, you would have had to pay $10 million bucks for that house, but thanks to his economic plan, he got it at a bargain. The man is a genius!" --Jay Leno

"How does that work when the president applies for a home loan? Like, when they do a credit check, do they include the trillion-dollar deficit?" --Jay Leno

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