"Critics say the problem is people don't understand what is in the budget. Well, of course, we don't understand. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is explaining this to us. 'Yeah, da budget is here with da money. You see, with da hydrogen and da green people, sometime you take it from here, and you put here, with da solar power!'" --Jay Leno
"Hey, the market went up three points today, so the stimulus package is working. Yeah! It's a miracle!" --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colorado. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high." --Jay Leno
"President Obama, today, outlined his plan to deal with the mortgage mess and the housing crisis. The good news -- he thinks he's found a solution. The bad news -- it involves arson." --Jay Leno
"And the idea of nationalizing banks is becoming more popular with some lawmakers and economists. They say they're leaning towards the Swedish model for banks. You know, I've got a better idea. How about opening banks with all Swedish models." --Jay Leno
"Well, here's the latest on the bailout. Democrats may have to bail Senator Roland Burris out of jail." --Jay Leno
"More bad news for Senator Burris. Now, the Chicago Sun-Times is calling for his resignation. Remember, he was appointed by Governor Blagojevich. Now he could be in trouble for perjury and for giving conflicting statements in his testimony about campaign contributions. See, that's the trouble with politicians. They think the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth are three different things." --Jay Leno
"The New York Times is reporting that, in his last days in office, Vice President Dick Cheney repeatedly went to President Bush to try to get him to pardon Scooter Libby, and he was furious that Bush wouldn't do it. They say Cheney is now bitter. Yeah, as opposed to the happy go lucky zippity-do-da Cheney." --Jay Leno
"In a new ranking of U.S. presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. And here's the bad part -- the margin of error was five." --Jay Leno
"In an interview with Fox News, Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter, 18-year-old Bristol Palin -- remember Bristol Palin, who had the baby? Well, she talked in the interview. She said, 'A year ago, I never would have thought I would become a mom or that my mom was going to be chosen to be a vice presidential candidate.' Oddly enough, both things happened because some guy failed to take the proper precautions." --Jay Leno
"And Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Asia. She is in Japan, or as Bill was heard telling a woman in a bar last night, 'We're separated.'" --Jay Leno
"America's auto makers have asked the government -- remember when America's auto makers flew into Washington in their private jets and said, 'We're busted. We'd like several hundred billion dollars.' Well, they're coming back again. They're asking for $22 billion in additional taxpayer money. I mean, these guys are like the world's most expensive brother-in-law, you know?" --David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton is on her first world trip around the world as secretary of state. She's on tour in Asia. Hillary's in Asia. Bill's in heaven." --David Letterman
"Right now, Hillary is visiting China. She's trying to stop the proliferation of doorknob menus." --David Letterman
"President Obama was in Arizona today, talking about his plan to help ease the home mortgage crisis. It seemed like a strange place to announce his plan, since most of the homes in Arizona are owned by John McCain." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama has now addressed two of the three major issues that he said would have to be addressed in order to avert a financial disaster. The first was getting the stimulus package passed. The second was addressing the housing crisis and the third is to get all of us to eat our pets. And I've got a cage full of hamsters that are starting to look absolutely delicious." --Jimmy Kimmel
"A lot of individual states are having budget problems right now. California in particular is a mess. Governor Schwarzenegger can't get fellow Republicans to vote for his compromise plan because it includes a big tax increase. And he's already done everything he can possibly do to convince them. He told them he'll 'be back,' he said, 'Hasta la vista, baby.' He even threatened to terminate them, several times, to no avail." --Jimmy Kimmel
"As part of a plan to close his state's budget deficit, New York Governor David Paterson is proposing a tax on Internet pornography. You see, this is why we can't have blind governors. I mean, no offense, but of course he's going to tax pornography. If he can't enjoy it, nobody can. What's next, a tax on rainbows?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Good news and bad news for Sarah Palin. The bad news is that the IRS says she owes thousands of dollars in back taxes. The good news is that she now qualifies to be in Obama’s Cabinet." --Craig Ferguson
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