"There was a little confusion at the meeting there at the White House when President Bush was told that Obama was coming. He said 'Oh, you mean we caught him?'" --David Letterman
"Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend. Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question: 'Have you ever been videotaped screaming 'God damn America!'?" --Conan O'Brien
"Sarah Palin is all over the news lately. She told Matt Lauer on the 'Today' show that, yes, the rumors were true, on election night she did want to deliver her own concession speech and she was disappointed that she couldn't. Well, she shouldn't feel bad. Wait till 2012. Deliver it then." --Jay Leno
"This is true, according to a new report, I was reading this today in the paper, thousands of pregnant mothers in this country are planning to name their baby Barack. That's true. Yeah, after hearing this, Sarah Palin told Bristol, 'Don't even think about it.'" --Conan O'Brien
"You know the Secret Service that follows the candidates around and stuff? They have nicknames for the people that they work with. Like Barack Obama, his nickname, the Secret Service called him 'Renegade.' John McCain, I think they called him 'Maverick.' President Bush's Secret Service nickname is 'Occupant.'" --David Letterman
"Alaska seems to have re-elected Senator Ted Stevens, who is 84 and going to prison. What is up with Alaska? I have a feeling, when a moose gets shot up there, his last thought is, 'I can't believe I'm losing to these a**holes'" --Bill Maher
"In Washington, D.C., today, Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden tour of the vice president's living quarters. Yeah, afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he'll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room." --Conan O'Brien
"Well, according to a new post-election survey, people want Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012. It says she's been getting thousands of calls from people pleading with her to run, all Democrats." --Jay Leno
"There's a new rumor that Hillary Clinton may end up Secretary of State, which means she would have to spend the next four years traveling all around the world. To which Bill said, 'Yes!'" --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama is being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, 'The United States can only have one president.' To which Bush said, 'Hey, that's not what Cheney told me." --Jay Leno
"Today is Veterans' Day, and John McCain laid a wreath at the tomb of the unknown plumber." --David Letterman
"Eearlier today, Barack Obama met with President Bush at the White House. So you had the president-elect and the president-inept, so they were there togethe … Meanwhile, John McCain, don't forget about John McCain. While all of this was going on, John McCain was waiting for his name to be called at IHOP." --David Letterman
"As you know, President-elect Obama promised his daughters a puppy if they move to the White House. And he's already getting advice on what the best breed of dog to get. For example, today, President Clinton told him the Oval Office is a great place for a husky female." --Jay Leno
"Hey, did you see this on the news? In the country of Sierra Leone, six out of ten male newborns at the Freetown main hospital were named Barack Obama. Six out of ten. Even more amazing: at least 23 babies born in North Carolina last year were named John Edwards, Jr. How about that?" --Jay Leno
"I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say things are not going well for the Republicans. Two years ago they controlled both the White House and the Congress. Soon, they'll be controlling both the Coke machine and the fry station." --Stephen Colbert
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