"The Labor Department announced that over 1,100 lawyers lost their jobs last month. Think about it. So lawyers are losing their jobs. ... CEOs are being forced to work for a dollar a year. Ann Coulter's jaw is wired shut. In many ways, this could be the greatest Christmas ever." --Jay Leno
"Our President-elect, Barack Obama, was busy again today, picking his White House kickball team, or something like that. This morning, he nominated New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson to be secretary of commerce, which, given the state of our economy, might be the toughest cabinet job of all. Which means, once again, the Mexican guy gets stuck with the job that nobody else wants to do." --Jimmy Kimmel
The most fun of these exit interviews with the president is going to be watching the news anchors try to delicately assess whether this president realize just how bad he has f***ed this thing up [on screen: Gibson asking Bush various questions, trying to gauge what he thinks the American people think about his presidency. Gibson also asks Bush if there was an 'uh-oh' moment]. An 'uh-oh' moment? Why do we have to talk to this jackass like he's four? When did foolhardy war and economic collapse become 'uh-oh' moments? Mr. President, I have a question. Did you make a boom boom in the Middle East? Look at me, I'm asking you a question!" --Jon Stewart
"Little bit of history trivia. It was this week, actually yesterday, in 1961, Fidel Castro announced that he was a Marxist and would turn Cuba into a Communist country, where the government would take over all the major industries. Or as we call that today, a bailout." --Jay Leno
"And AIG, you know the insurance company who's getting over $11 billion of our dollars in bailout money? Well, they announced they're giving 130 of their executives cash awards of up to $3 million. These are cash awards, not bonuses. They say they are payments to guarantee that their top executives stay with the company. Oh, yeah, God forbid AIG should lose any of these business geniuses. Imagine what kind of shape they'd be in without these people. Again, these are cash awards, not bonuses. So we should send them to jail, not prison, see?" --Jay Leno
"According to this week's Newsweek, in this bad economy, a lot of wealthy people are feeling what's known as luxury shame. They're embarrassed about their wealth while others are hurting. Although they say, after a few bottles of Cristal, that feeling goes away." --Jay Leno
"Well, a lot of Wall Street experts are saying there are incredible bargains right now in the stock markets. This is a good time to buy. Oh, it's a great time to buy, yeah. Like kind of after a huge car crash, there are auto parts laying all around. Same thing." --Jay Leno
Gibson asks Bush if he feels 'in any way responsible' for what's happening. Bush says he's been president while this has been going on, but continues on to say he thinks when this period of history is written, people will realize 'a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade' before he arrived 'in president']. Before I arrived 'in president'? That doesn't make sense. Let's give him a chance to correct himself [on screen: Bush says 'before I arrived in president, during I arrived in president']. No! You know something? I'm gonna miss you so much! By the way, do we really have to build this guy a library? I mean, can't we just get him an arcade/go-cart course? I know he'd like it more." --Jon Stewart
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