"As you know, the Bush administration has a new slogan: 'Duck!'" --Jay Leno
"As you know, President Bush took a surprise trip to Baghdad over the weekend and had a press conference with the Iraqi premier. A reporter threw his shoes at him, almost hit him. And the guy who threw the shoes, this guy was so angry, he was so anti-Bush, at first people just assumed he was an American journalist, but no." --Jay Leno
"In fact, to give you an idea how bad the economy is in Iraq, the shoes that were thrown at Bush came from Payless." --Jay Leno
"And it's not just President Bush, today somebody threw a pair of shoes at Sarah Palin. And she was very upset. She said, 'Do you have these in black?' and threw them back." --Jay Leno
"And this is the big news in New York. Well, all over the world, really. It's just an amazing story. A Wall Street tycoon named Bernard Madoff has been arrested for running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. $50 billion. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That's where they use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors. Or as we call it, Social Security." --Jay Leno
"But you know something? Shouldn't the first clue have been the guy's name? Madoff, you know, as in 'made off with the money,' you know? I mean, who were his partners, Pilfered and Swindled?" --Jay Leno
"And you can tell, President Bush, you know, he's not a financial guy. God bless him, but he doesn't understand anything. Like, when they tried to explain the Ponzi scheme, he said, 'Wait a minute, Ponzi, you're confusing two people. It's either Potsy or Fonzie.'" --Jay Leno
"The economy is in bad shape. I went shopping over the weekend. I got an Illinois Senate seat for $149. Amazing, marked down from half a million." --Jay Leno
"And it's not just here in America. Queen Elizabeth has announced that the economy is so bad in England, she is asking all members of the royal family to reduce their spending, otherwise, they would face the ultimate disaster, you know, having to get a real job." --Jay Leno
"God forbid, they don't want to do that. And in New Jersey, the state Senate is working on a bill to legalize medical marijuana. They say it's the one thing that could actually ease the pain of having to live in New Jersey, so that's good." --Jay Leno
"And a big surprise on the Sunday morning news shows. Senator John McCain said he may not support Sarah Palin if she's around in 2012. Of course, the bigger question, will McCain be around in 2012? That's probably the bigger question, but hey." --Jay Leno
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