Funny Barack Obama Jokes-Late Night Comics

"Ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama is our new president. And I think I speak for most Americans when I say, anybody mind if he starts a little early?" --David Letterman

"And, of course, it was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters, otherwise known as MSNBC." --Jay Leno

"You know, do you realize this is our first black president since the first season of '24'?" --Jay Leno

"And people were worried about the Bradley effect. Apparently, it was not nearly as strong as the Bush effect." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples." --Jay Leno

"Last night, after Barack Obama was declared the winner, President Bush called Obama, promised to work with him to guarantee a smooth transition. Yeah. Yeah, when we heard this, Obama said, 'Thanks, but you've done enough.'" --Conan O'Brien

"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born." --Jon Stewart, on Barack Obama's Middle East trip

"According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama." --Jay Leno

"And how about last night on all the major television networks, Barack Obama has a half-hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God. It's about time this guy got some media coverage, don't you think?" —David Letterman

"The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn't that unbelievable?" --Jay Leno

"The Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they have hired the first ever director of greening. They say that this year that everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a candidate who's only been a senator for a couple of years." --Jay Leno

"A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say 'Barack Hussein Osama.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind." --Jay Leno

"The presidential debate was a town hall format, which is John McCain's favorite way to speak to crowds, as opposed to Barack Obama's favorite way, a Sermon on the Mount." –Jay Leno

"Barack Obama said today the government's $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money." --Jay Leno

"Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama's campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they've registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama." –Conan O'Brien

From David Letterman's Top Ten Questions on the Barack Obama Running Mate Application: #9: "Do you have any crazy clergymen we should know about?"

"Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it's not true. In fact his exact words were 'I did not have textual relations with that woman.'" --Jay Leno

"Both McCain and Senator Barack Obama are trying to woo voters who are outside their natural demographic. In this election, for Senator Obama, that means trying to reach working class, non-Muslim white women who love America." --Jon Stewart

Dumb Blondes Jokes

Q:What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A:A Golden Retriever.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.

Q. What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A. Pregnant!

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said "Concentrate."

Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How do you put a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Funny Political Jokes

"George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have announced their going to have a debate. They already have a name for it -- 'Alienated vs. Predator.'" --Craig Ferguson

"It’s World Penguin Day. Penguins are important. It’s true. Some say John McCain lost the election due to his resemblance to The Penguin from Batman." --Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday was 'Take Your Kid to Work Day.' It used to be 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day,' but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there’s a new special day for parents and kids – 'Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.' This day shows that daddy and mommy didn’t always just sit around in their underwear." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House was on lockdown because a small plane flew into restricted airspace. Say what you want, but Dick Cheney would have shot that thing down." --Jimmy Fallon

"Obama was on the news today speaking about college spending. He’s proposing a new budget '' $15 billion for college loans, $20 billion for Ramen Noodles." --Jimmy Fallon

"Crime is down in New York City. Tomorrow criminals head down to Washington to request a bailout." --David Letterman

"Today is the 81st birthday of Madam Tussauds wax museum. Biggest collection of wax figures since 'The View.'" --David Letterman

"In economic news, ExxonMobil's profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs." --David Letterman

Funny Fat People Pictures:Yo Mama So Fat Jokes

Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last christmas and its still printing

Yo mamma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.

Yo mama so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.

Yo mama is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack


Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama so fat her beeper went off and people thought she was backing up.


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Yo Mama So Fat Jokes!

Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last christmas and its still printing

Yo mamma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.

Yo mama so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.

Yo mama is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama so fat her beeper went off and people thought she was backing up.
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Funny Political Late Night Joke

Feb. 3, 2009

"Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is on the show tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I hope that thing on his head doesn't bite me." --David Letterman

"I like Blagojevich. He looks like your neighbor who never returns the tools. Blagojevich looks like a guy at K-Mart who says, 'The best we can do is store credit.'" --David Letterman

"Aren't you tired of bad economic news, ladies and gentlemen? Well, here is some good economic news. President Obama has a great new economic plan. Here's what he's going to do. He's going to make all the cabinet members that he has selected pay their back taxes." --David Letterman

"Tom Daschle has withdrawn his cabinet nomination because he had some tax problems. Forgot about $150,000. Remember the old days, when politicians got in trouble for having sex with pages. Those days seem pretty sweet now, don't they?" --David Letterman

"The New York Post is reporting that Bernard Madoff's family is so upset with his actions in this Ponzi scheme, they're thinking of changing the family name to something less offensive, like bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. Post Office announced they could run out of cash by the end of the year. They said they're in serious danger of becoming a bank. That's how bad it is." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is so bad, even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes." --Jay Leno

"Today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination for secretary of health and human services after being forced to pay $128,000 in back taxes. Daschle was extremely upset because now it looks like he paid his taxes for nothin'!" --Jay Leno

"You know what really did Tom Daschle in? It turns out there are now pictures of him partying with Michael Phelps." --Jay Leno

"And tax problems for another Obama nominee. Nancy Killefer has withdrawn her nomination as White House chief performance officer. Not only did she not pay her taxes, she had a tax lien put on her house by the government. Where is Obama getting these nominees? Old episodes of 'Cops'?" --Jay Leno

"You realize Obama would have less tax problems if he had nominated Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes. They actually have better records than most of these people." --Jay Leno

"This is kind of frightening. Al Gore told Congress last week the global warming scenario is worse than previously predicted. Worse than predicted? Wasn't the first prediction we're all going to fry to death? Huh? What's worse than that? Is it going to be humid, too? Is that it?" --Jay Leno

"And it was on this very day in 1690 that the very first paper money in America was issued in Massachusetts. It was issued by a man named Merrill Lynch, who used the money to give himself the first huge bonus." --Jay Leno

"And the Smithsonian Institute wants the hat that Aretha Franklin wore at President Obama's inauguration. They want to put the hat on display, and they will take possession of the hat as soon as they can build a new wing to house it. " --Jay Leno

"This weekend, the Republican National Committee elected their first-ever African-American chairman. His name is Michael Steele, or as he's known in the Republican Party, 'the black guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination to be the Health and Human Services Secretary after it was revealed he didn't pay back taxes. Yeah. So, President Obama says now it's down to his second and third choices, Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes." --Conan O'Brien

"Sen. John McCain is denying a rumor that his wife Cindy will be a contestant on the upcoming season of 'Dancing with the Stars.' When asked why, McCain said: 'Dance? Are you kidding? I've never even seen her blink.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The producers of this year's Academy Awards are worried about the ratings, so they are making several changes to the show to try to increase viewership. For instance, this year's broadcast will be called 'American Idol Presents the Oscars, Hosted by Barack Obama.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, before Sunday's Super Bowl, did an interview with Matt Lauer, during which he predicted the Steelers would win a squeaker, and sure enough, they did. So it's a shame he didn't bet the deficit on the game." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Apparently, the President has a half brother named George Obama, who lives in Kenya, and George Obama was arrested on Saturday for possession of marijuana. He was walking around the village telling people his brother was the President, so they assumed he was high and arrested him." --Jimmy Kimmel

"How great is that, though? One brother is the President of the United States, the other is a stoner in Kenya. If that isn't a sitcom, I don't know what is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And by the way, is Africa really the place you want to get the munchies? It isn't." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It was a great day for us here at the show but not a great day for Batman, or as he's known in real life, actor Christian Bale. Bale was all over the Internet today. Have you heard that tape? We can't play it for you, because some of the language is not appropriate for TV. Almost everyone who's heard this tape says it's offensive, but former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich disagreed, calling it 'amateur,' and 'not cussy enough.'" --Craig Ferguson

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Funny Political Late Night Jokes

"Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is everywhere on television. Yesterday, he was interviewed by Geraldo Rivera. They billed it as 'an interview with the most hated man in America and Rod Blagojevich.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Gov. Blagojevich is being criticized because he recently compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela. That may be a stretch, but at least he got the prison part right." --Conan O'Brien

"It's a great day for Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who is continuing on that media tour he's doing. Yesterday, he was on 'The View,' the 'Today' show, and 'Good Morning America.' Today, his hair was on 'Animal Planet' and 'Unsolved Mysteries.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Today, President Barack Obama's first interview as president with an Arabic news network was aired. He told the mostly Muslim nations that America has changed and said if they 'unclench their fist,' we will shake their hand. But they're hesitant because Bush told them the same thing and then got them with a joy buzzer." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sen. John McCain has confirmed that as rumored, his wife Cindy was approached to compete on 'Dancing with the Stars,' but they turned it down. I guess they figured the McCains have lost enough competitions already." --Jimmy Kimmel

"On this week, our one-week anniversary, Obama sat down for a one-on-one interview [on screen: excerpts from Obama's Al Arabiya interview]. Wait a minute. That's not Katie Couric. Oh my God, that's not even Greta Van Susteren. ... So Obama's first interview is on Al Arabiya. What does he have to say to them that he couldn't say on American television? [on screen: Obama saying he has lived in Muslim countries and that he has Muslim family members]. Wait. What? Why haven't we met them? Don't you think they would have enjoyed sharing in the campaign process? Holy crow. That would be like if the first thing John McCain did after winning the presidency was go on the AARP network and let them know that he, too, sometimes forgets where he is. But I get it. He's a bridge between the worlds." --Jon Stewart

"Nation, I'm sure you've all heard the terrible news by now, and seen this disturbing video that surfaced yesterday of on the Al Arabiya television network [on screen: Obama's interview with Al Arabiya]. Only six days into his term, evidently, President Obama has been kidnapped by Muslim extremists. You can tell they're Muslim extremists because they have that squiggly Arab writing down there at the bottom right there [on screen: Colbert pointing to Arabic on the screen during the interview]. ... So, recapping our top story -- I can't believe I'm the one breaking this -- our president has been kidnapped by a terrorist group calling themselves the Al Arabiya television network. Just listen to what these monsters made him say [on screen: Obama saying Iranians are a 'great people.' He also says Americans 'make mistakes' and aren't perfect]. Not been perfect? What are they doing to him? We know none of that is true." --Stephen Colbert

Political Roast Late Night Jokes

"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14 minutes." --Jay Leno

"Actually, listen to this. NBC said if the speech does really well in ratings, they're going to offer President Bush his own show every night at 9 o'clock." --Jay Leno

"President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen." --Jay Leno

"Did you know Barack Obama's mother-in-law is going to be moving into the White House with them? I think this qualifies as change Barack Obama does not believe in." --Jay Leno


"Now, let me ask you, when Barack Obama's mother-in-law moves into the White House, do you think she's going to be like all mother-in-laws? Like, when Barack Obama is upstairs asleep at the White House, do you think she'll be down in the kitchen with Michelle, going, 'You know, you could have done better.'" --Jay Leno

"And during Hillary's confirmation hearing today, Louisiana Senator David Vitter — remember the guy that got caught with the hookers? Well, he's Mr. Ethics now. He was very concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's campaign, you know the library deal. But he had to leave when an aide told him it was time for his '3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper.'" --Jay Leno

"The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese. You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people." --Jay Leno

"And The New York Times reporting on a radical new treatment for intensive care patients: Get them up and out of bed as soon as possible. Is that new? Haven't H.M.O.'s been doing that for years?" --Jay Leno

"One week from today, Barack Obama becomes president, and the current president becomes George W. Bush, mall cop. Did you know that?" --David Letterman

"But I think everybody has warm feelings for George Bush now. He held his final press conference yesterday. And he admitted -- it takes a big man to do this -- he admitted that a couple of things didn't go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire. Yeah, his first term and his second term. Those two things." --David Letterman

"But President Bush did take credit for a couple of things. He said, you know, Dick Cheney hasn't shot anybody in a couple of years. So that's always good, right?" --David Letterman

"By the way, one week from tomorrow, here's what's going to happen. George W. Bush will be walking around on the ranch in Crawford, Texas, and he'll be saying: 'Listen to this, boys. You ought to see it. The office, it's an oval. Like a circle but it's an oval. I'm not kidding. No corners. It's like an oval. Honest to God. I was there for eight years." --David Letterman

"People, I think, are excited because Barack Obama's inauguration is one week away. Some people are worried, though, because 3 million people are expected for the inauguration, but there will only be 5,000 port-a-potties. That's true. Officials say they would have paid a lot more attention to bladder issues if John McCain had been elected." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearing for secretary of state began today. And it's interesting because when you think about it, by the end of the week, Hillary will be a confirmed secretary of state, and Bill Clinton will be a confirmed bachelor. She's going to leave town, you see." --Conan O'Brien

"Today was President Bush's last Cabinet meeting. At one point, Bush got emotional and said, 'I never got to find out what HUD means.'" --Conan O'Brien

"One week left of President Bush. It's hard to believe we've had eight seasons, but we have had, and the president has been busy saying his good-byes. Yesterday, he gave an unusually candid and animated press conference. As you may know, President Bush was never a big fan of press conferences, because the press didn't ever really understand him, mostly because he makes up his own words [on screen: Bush saying he respects the White House Press Corps, even though he didn't like the stories they wrote. He always said sometimes they 'misunderestimated' him]. I'm really going to miss him. Can't we find a position for him? Something where we still get to hear the stupid stuff, but he actually doesn't make any decisions? I mean, I'm all for change, but I have a show to do here every night." --Jimmy Kimmel

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A Political Roast With Late Night Jokes

"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14 minutes." --Jay Leno

"Actually, listen to this. NBC said if the speech does really well in ratings, they're going to offer President Bush his own show every night at 9 o'clock." --Jay Leno

"President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen." --Jay Leno

"Did you know Barack Obama's mother-in-law is going to be moving into the White House with them? I think this qualifies as change Barack Obama does not believe in." --Jay Leno


"Now, let me ask you, when Barack Obama's mother-in-law moves into the White House, do you think she's going to be like all mother-in-laws? Like, when Barack Obama is upstairs asleep at the White House, do you think she'll be down in the kitchen with Michelle, going, 'You know, you could have done better.'" --Jay Leno

"And during Hillary's confirmation hearing today, Louisiana Senator David Vitter — remember the guy that got caught with the hookers? Well, he's Mr. Ethics now. He was very concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's campaign, you know the library deal. But he had to leave when an aide told him it was time for his '3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper.'" --Jay Leno

"The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese. You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people." --Jay Leno

"And The New York Times reporting on a radical new treatment for intensive care patients: Get them up and out of bed as soon as possible. Is that new? Haven't H.M.O.'s been doing that for years?" --Jay Leno

"One week from today, Barack Obama becomes president, and the current president becomes George W. Bush, mall cop. Did you know that?" --David Letterman

"But I think everybody has warm feelings for George Bush now. He held his final press conference yesterday. And he admitted -- it takes a big man to do this -- he admitted that a couple of things didn't go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire. Yeah, his first term and his second term. Those two things." --David Letterman

"But President Bush did take credit for a couple of things. He said, you know, Dick Cheney hasn't shot anybody in a couple of years. So that's always good, right?" --David Letterman

"By the way, one week from tomorrow, here's what's going to happen. George W. Bush will be walking around on the ranch in Crawford, Texas, and he'll be saying: 'Listen to this, boys. You ought to see it. The office, it's an oval. Like a circle but it's an oval. I'm not kidding. No corners. It's like an oval. Honest to God. I was there for eight years." --David Letterman

"People, I think, are excited because Barack Obama's inauguration is one week away. Some people are worried, though, because 3 million people are expected for the inauguration, but there will only be 5,000 port-a-potties. That's true. Officials say they would have paid a lot more attention to bladder issues if John McCain had been elected." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearing for secretary of state began today. And it's interesting because when you think about it, by the end of the week, Hillary will be a confirmed secretary of state, and Bill Clinton will be a confirmed bachelor. She's going to leave town, you see." --Conan O'Brien

"Today was President Bush's last Cabinet meeting. At one point, Bush got emotional and said, 'I never got to find out what HUD means.'" --Conan O'Brien

"One week left of President Bush. It's hard to believe we've had eight seasons, but we have had, and the president has been busy saying his good-byes. Yesterday, he gave an unusually candid and animated press conference. As you may know, President Bush was never a big fan of press conferences, because the press didn't ever really understand him, mostly because he makes up his own words [on screen: Bush saying he respects the White House Press Corps, even though he didn't like the stories they wrote. He always said sometimes they 'misunderestimated' him]. I'm really going to miss him. Can't we find a position for him? Something where we still get to hear the stupid stuff, but he actually doesn't make any decisions? I mean, I'm all for change, but I have a show to do here every night." --Jimmy Kimmel

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Political Roast:Late Night Jokes 1-9-09

"All five living presidents had lunch together at the White House on Wednesday. I understand the lunch went well. Only three shoes thrown. George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the waitress." --David Letterman

"The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to select Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Yeah, Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good, because he's kept Larry King alive all these years." --Conan O'Brien

"But surgeon general, that's a tough position, and it was hard for Obama to make the choice. It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil and a guy on 'Scrubs.'" --David Letterman

"On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama is going to be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Because, folks, nothing says 'hope for the future' like General Motors. ... The good news is that at least they sold one car, apparently." --Conan O'Brien
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Political Roast:Late Night Jokes Jay Leno-1/7/09

"As you know, Governor Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. And in an interview today, Blagojevich said ... 'If what I've done is impeachable, then I'm on the wrong planet.' That's what he said. Yeah, yeah. That would explain the Klingon helmet hair." --Jay Leno

"Actually, it looks like Roland Burris will get his Senate seat. But Senate leaders said not until his certificate is signed by the Illinois secretary of state. They say this has been the rule since 1884. They've never, ever waivered from this. Of course, over the past eight years, they've waved rules against, you know, torture and spying on Americans and violating the Constitution, but never the little signature." --Jay Leno

"President Bush hosted Barack Obama and all three living former presidents at the White House today. Pretty impressive. Jimmy Carter 39, was there. Bush 41 was there. Bush 43 was there. Clinton 69 was there." --Jay Leno

"Actually, there was one awkward moment, when President Bush asked all the other former presidents, he said, 'Don't you hate it when your approval rating goes below 15%?'" --Jay Leno

"You know, President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as president. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment ... was his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it. That's President Bush. Isn't it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there aren't any. But if there were, by golly, here's what it would be." --Jay Leno

"And you know, I think he's trying to struggle to come up with some accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"This is something President Bush did this week. He has declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments, making it the largest marine reserve on the planet. Largest on the planet. And they are now totally protected. Unless, of course, somebody finds oil. Then all bets are off." --Jay Leno

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Political Roast| Late Night Jokes Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see this in the paper? In an interview with the Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was stunned by that. Actually, I'm surprised. I mean, look at the guy. He gets driven around in a limo, surrounded by bodyguards, shot a guy in the face -- he is a rap star." --Jay Leno

"Well, let's see what's going on. Unemployment is up again, especially if you're the new senator from Illinois trying to go to work." --Jay Leno

"Well, today on Capitol Hill, Roland Burris, who is Illinois Governor Rod Bla-son-of-a-bitch, is that his name? Blagojevich, Blagojevich. He's the guy appointed to fill Barack Obama's seat. He was turned away and denied his seat in the Senate. Yeah, it's the worst thing that happened to a guy named Burris not involving a gun and a pair of sweatpants." --Jay Leno

"And the sad thing is, this Burris guy is kind of caught in the middle of this whole thing. Because legal analysts say in appointing the senator, Blagojevich may have actually acted legally. He may have acted legally. God, there's a first time for everything, huh?" --Jay Leno

"I love this part. He was turned away because they said he didn't meet the high standards of the Senate. Gee. I wonder which senator turned him down. Do you think it was the one who embezzled the money? Maybe it was the one that got caught with the hooker? I know, I'll bet it was the one caught fornicating near the urinal in the airport bathroom. That was the one, exactly." --Jay Leno

"And President-elect Barack Obama has now named former Clinton Chief of Staff Leon Panetta to be his director of the CIA. But a lot of senators are criticizing this, because they say Panetta is not an intelligence professional. You know, like President Bush." --Jay Leno

"And in an interview over the weekend, President Bush revealed that he has a prized collection of over 250 autographed baseballs, which would be very impressive if he were 10." --Jay Leno

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Political Roast|Late Night Jokes David Letterman

"On this date in 2001 ... George W. Bush was certified as the winner of the 2000 presidential election. How about that? That turned out pretty well, didn't it?" --David Letterman

"By the way, First Lady Laura Bush, Laura Bush is writing a memoir. The name of the memoir, I believe, is 'I'm with Stupid.'" --David Letterman

"Tomorrow, President Bush is hosting a White House lunch for President-elect Barack Obama, former President Jimmy Carter and former President Bill Clinton. So that's like an historic luncheon. It will be Barack Obama, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton. At least that's what Bill is telling Hillary." --David Letterman

"A new survey indicates that Barack Obama is the most admired man in America. Most admired man in America. That makes pretty good sense, don't you think? I'm also on the list, thank you. Thank you very much. I'm a little farther down. I'm between Richard Simmons and Bernie Madoff. But I'm on the list." --David Letterman

"The Secret Service has unveiled a new state-of-the-art limousine for Barack Obama. A million dollars for this state-art-limousine. Meanwhile, today, John McCain closed a deal on a used LeSabre. But the limousine is massive. It's a three ton, it's a tank-like vehicle, or, as GM calls it, it's a compact." --David Letterman

"But here's good news for Obama. The new tank-like limousine is shoe proof, so that's good news." --David Letterman

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Funny George Bush Shoe Throwing Jokes from the Late Night Comedians

Now this is a Political Roast!

"George Bush is over there in Baghdad saying goodbye to the troops, and this Iraqi journalist heaves a couple shoes at the President. And we thought, hopefully that's just a one-of-a-kind episode. Unfortunately, however, the news coming out of the Middle East is that Iran is developing a long-range loafer." --David Letterman

"People are still discussing the shoe-throwing incident at our president. ... It was reported today that the Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. And even worse, it was his shoe-throwing arm. That guy is out for the season." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people can't afford to buy shoes." --Jay Leno "That Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush the other day said he planned his attack for months. Planned it for months? That's what he said! I mean, take off one shoe. You throw it. You throw the other shoe. He planned it for months. And he still missed both times!" --Jay Leno


"The guy is being called a hero in the Arab world. So, he has this plan and it's a failure. And he's a hero. You know, if that's the standard, Bush would be the biggest hero in the Arab world." --Jay Leno

"Today, President Bush told reporters that the shoe-throwing incident was one of the weirdest moments of his presidency. Yeah, Bush said the only thing weirder was the time he got re-elected." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you watched this tape? Some people are criticizing the Secret Service, because the shoe thrower caught them off guard. The man was able to throw a second shoe. A spokesman for the Secret Service said, 'Sorry, but we were laughing our asses off.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This is the country we thought had nuclear weapons. It turns out they have a pair of size 9 Hush Puppies instead." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's not just President Bush, today somebody threw a pair of shoes at Sarah Palin. And she was very upset. She said, 'Do you have these in black?' and threw them back." --Jay Leno

"I've got to give President Bush credit for this, because he's taking it all pretty well. He says that he's actually happy about the shoe-throwing episode, because he says it proves finally that Iraq does, in fact, possess foot wear of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"It turns out this guy was described as a hot head. He's a guy who is an Iraqi journalist. They say he's a hot head with poor journalistic skills. Well, no surprise, today he was offered his own show on Fox News." --David Letterman

"Well, folks, looks like we finally found something President Bush is good at. Dodgeball!" --Jay Leno

"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him]. You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he's never done before. Lean to the left. He's never done that." --Jay Leno

"You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he's got good reflexes. Even Bill Clinton was impressed. You know, Clinton's an expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays, lamps. Everything." --Jay Leno

"Now, here's my question, and no offense here, but where was the Secret Service? I mean, shouldn't they at least have jumped in front of the second shoe? I mean, you know what I'm saying? Come on. Seriously. Aren't these guys supposed to take a bullet for the president?" --Jay Leno

"See, that's when Bush realized he was on his way out, when the Secret Service are going, 'Yeah, we're guarding the new guy now.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, here's my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, 'Let me clarify what happened here.' He said, 'In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult.' Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment." --Jay Leno

"Well, the interesting thing was the journalist who threw the shoe was immediately arrested, and then offered his own show on MSNBC." --Jay Leno

"Bush is in Baghdad, he's having a press conference, and a guy, a reporter from Iraq jumps up and starts heaving shoes at the guy. And in Iraqi, or Arabic, he starts screaming, 'Here's your farewell kiss, you dog!' That's what the guy says. I mean, it was the same goodbye I got from NBC." --David Letterman

"Right now, they're trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he's a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it's the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn't even do a background check on him." --David Letterman

"You've got to give Bush credit. I mean, the guy moved pretty quickly. ... Too bad he didn't react that way with bin Laden or Katrina, bin Laden or the mortgage crisis, bin Laden or Afghanistan, bin Laden or the Lehman Brothers." --David Letterman

I don't think Bush really has dodged anything like that, well, since the Vietnam War." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, at a press conference in Baghdad, an angry Iraqi threw his shoes at President Bush's head. Yeah, when he saw the shoes, President Bush said, 'See, I knew you guys had weapons of mass destruction." --Conan O'Brien

"The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he'll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists." --Conan O'Brien

"The shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. Free shoes! You betcha!" --Craig Ferguson

"Of course, the big story over the weekend is that President Bush had that press conference in Iraq, which turned into 'Shoe-pocalypse Now.'" --Craig Ferguson

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Political Roast-The Late Show Joke-David Letterman

How about that guy that heaved his shoes at the president? Of course, everybody is saying well, what happened to the Secret Service? Good question. Where is the Secret Service? From now on, alright, take off your shoes. It's going to be that way. You want to see the president? Alright, slip out of those shoes." --David Letterman

"It turns out this guy was described as a hot head. He's a guy who is an Iraqi journalist. They say he's a hot head with poor journalistic skills. Well, no surprise, today he was offered his own show on Fox News." --David Letterman

"But I've got to give President Bush credit for this, because he's taking it all pretty well. He says that he's actually happy about the shoe-throwing episode, because he says it proves finally that Iraq does, in fact, possess foot wear of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"I don't know. Listen to this, ladies and gentlemen. Here's something that happened. The Electoral College has officially elected Barack Obama as president of the United States. I don't know anything about politics or elections, but boy, it's really starting to look bad for John McCain." --David Letterman

Political Roast-Late Night Jokes-Jay Leno

"As you know, the Bush administration has a new slogan: 'Duck!'" --Jay Leno

"As you know, President Bush took a surprise trip to Baghdad over the weekend and had a press conference with the Iraqi premier. A reporter threw his shoes at him, almost hit him. And the guy who threw the shoes, this guy was so angry, he was so anti-Bush, at first people just assumed he was an American journalist, but no." --Jay Leno

"In fact, to give you an idea how bad the economy is in Iraq, the shoes that were thrown at Bush came from Payless." --Jay Leno

"And it's not just President Bush, today somebody threw a pair of shoes at Sarah Palin. And she was very upset. She said, 'Do you have these in black?' and threw them back." --Jay Leno

"And this is the big news in New York. Well, all over the world, really. It's just an amazing story. A Wall Street tycoon named Bernard Madoff has been arrested for running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. $50 billion. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That's where they use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors. Or as we call it, Social Security." --Jay Leno

"But you know something? Shouldn't the first clue have been the guy's name? Madoff, you know, as in 'made off with the money,' you know? I mean, who were his partners, Pilfered and Swindled?" --Jay Leno

"And you can tell, President Bush, you know, he's not a financial guy. God bless him, but he doesn't understand anything. Like, when they tried to explain the Ponzi scheme, he said, 'Wait a minute, Ponzi, you're confusing two people. It's either Potsy or Fonzie.'" --Jay Leno

"The economy is in bad shape. I went shopping over the weekend. I got an Illinois Senate seat for $149. Amazing, marked down from half a million." --Jay Leno

"And it's not just here in America. Queen Elizabeth has announced that the economy is so bad in England, she is asking all members of the royal family to reduce their spending, otherwise, they would face the ultimate disaster, you know, having to get a real job." --Jay Leno

"God forbid, they don't want to do that. And in New Jersey, the state Senate is working on a bill to legalize medical marijuana. They say it's the one thing that could actually ease the pain of having to live in New Jersey, so that's good." --Jay Leno

"And a big surprise on the Sunday morning news shows. Senator John McCain said he may not support Sarah Palin if she's around in 2012. Of course, the bigger question, will McCain be around in 2012? That's probably the bigger question, but hey." --Jay Leno